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************** HOW TO BE A COMPLETE BASTARD: FAQ/WALKTHRU ***************
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Commodore 64 "Bastard Sim": released (1987) UK
FAQ/WALKTHRU (version 1.0) 02/08/2002
Author - falsehead (Sophie Cheshire). Contact me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Copyright stuff; this is (c) Sophie Cheshire. If you wish to use this FAQ on
your website, feel free to do so under the following conditions. a) You email
me first and let me know where it will be appearing and b) you do not alter the
content in anyway (if you need to change the formatting slightly for display
purposes that's OK).
If I find out that any part of this FAQ has been lifted and used without credit
to me, especially if you use it to earn money, then I will be annoyed. I didn't
type all this up for the good of my health you know.
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********************************* CONTENTS *****************************
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1) INTRODUCTION/REVISION HISTORY
2) AIM OF THE GAME
a) Getting Started
b) Accruing Bastard Points
3) MAP OF THE HOUSE
a) Ground Floor
b) First Floor
4) ITEMS
a) Key Items
b) Edible Items
c) Ordinary Items
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********************** 1) INTRODUCTION/REVISIONS ************************
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INTRODUCTION - "How to Be a Complete Bastard" is an amusing game that arrived
on the Commodore 64 (and ZX Spectrum!) back in 1989. It is based on a book of
the same name written by UK comedian Adrian Edmondson, who people may remember
as the punk Vyvian in the early eighties UK comedy show "The Young Ones".
Adrian Edmondson was part of the 1980's wave of alternate comics and starred in
many "Comic Strip" films. He also made appearances in Blackadder, Absolutely
Fabulous and in the 1990's teamed up again with his long time partner Rik
Mayall to create the long running comedy show "Bottom". This game is very much
in the spirit of "Bottom" as it is packed full of toilet humour and encourages
wanton destruction, mindless violence and general immaturity long before Grand
Theft Auto 3 came along!
For the time it has a quite sophisticated format. You can view the action from
two perspectives, which helps navigate around the 3D rooms in 2D. It also
open-ended and can be completed however you like. It has a puerile (but
amusing) sense of humour, though some jokes may be lost on younger and non-UK
players. This guide tries to explain any more obscure jokes or references when
they crop up.
Al-in-all a quirky and enjoyable C64 game, well worth tracking down if you have
an interest in the retro-computing scene!
GAME INFO:
Name: How to be a Complete Bastard
DAte: 1987
Developer: Sentient Software
Publisher: Virgin Games
Other Platforms: ZX Zpectrum
Availability: This game has been long out of production, but has been licensed
by the developers and publishers for download as freeware off the net.
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The latest version of this guide is always posted first at www.gamefaqs.com, if
you found this guide on another site please check gamefaqs to make sure you
have the latest updates before emailing me with any questions. I may have
already answered it!
REVISIONS - Version 1.0 (02/08/2002). First Version.
Created map of the house with info on how to get through the game. Also
provided list of what most of the important items do.
Will add a full list of game responses to the use of each item.
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************************* 2) AIM OF THE GAME ***************************
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a) GETTING STARTED/WALKTHRU
The aim of the game is to simply be as obnoxious as possible. The worse your
behaviour, the more Bastard points you build up. The game is fairly
open-ended. You can explore the House in any order you like and do different
things to build up those all-important points. There is no real end as such,
you'll either die, get chucked out or the party will finish. You then get a
BASTARD rating from Ade (Adrian Edmundson) depending on how many points you
got.
You'll notice on the screen there is a drunkometer, smellometer, weeometer and
fartometer. (For US readers, needing a "wee" means needing to go to the toilet,
if you catch my drift...) By consuming wine and lager you will become drunk and
also need the toilet more. If you manage to wet yourself or puke up you'll
become smellier and if you eat a lot of junk food you can build up enough fart
to let of really smelly ones! Keep an eye on these meters, as farting and being
drunk will accrue more bastard points.
The basic gameplay involves you walking around the party examining the
furniture and using the items you find. You often have multiple options with
the items, which is explained more below. You can talk to some guests,
although not all will respond. There is a split screen effect that makes up
for the lack of 3D room views. It can still be hard to navigate around, but
hopefully you'll find the map useful.
b) BASTARD POINTS
These all important points are accrued when you do something very obnoxious.
For example throwing food about, breaking things and burning stuff. The item
list at the end of this document gives the best way to get bastard points out
of each item. You should also be aware that a great way to get quick and easy
points is to go straight to the kitchen and find the matches. Once you acquire
them you will be given the option to burn some items of furniture. This will
give you 150 points per item burned! But make sure you clear the furniture of
other items first.
You can also lose Bastard points by throwing or smashing something you should
have done something else with. Or eating the wrong food or puking up. As a
general rule don't eat stuff like oil or glue, and don't smash things like the
dirty videos.
So quick guide:
1) If the only option is Throw, then throw. This is right in 95% of situations.
2) Talk to people, sometimes you will get the option to knee them in the groin
which brings mucho Bastard points.
3) Collect the matches from the kitchen and once you have cleared an item of
furniture of any stuff, BURN IT! AHAHAHAHA!
4) Go to the Bathroom upstairs and "squeeze your zits" over and over for lots
of extra points.
5) DON'T wear any of the clothes, you'll lose points for being "girlie".
6) DO wear the sheet in the Blanket Box, sometimes you'll get the option to do
ghost impressions to clear the room for lots of points.
7) Don't drink any coffee, medicine or take any pills. It'll sober you up.
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************************ 3) MAP OF THE HOUSE ***************************
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This is a map of the layout of the various rooms and the items you can find in
each. The split screen effect can make locating items tricky and you MUST be
pressing yourself right up against an item of furniture to be able to search
it. You can also talk people in the house, you'll have to press up against
them as well =D
***************************** GROUND FLOOR *******************************
__________________
| |
| Back garden ___|
| | A |
| C ____ | |
| | B | |___|
| D |____| |
| |
--------------| |-
__________________ ______________| |_
| |A | B | C | D | | |
|------------------=== Dining Room __|
|E | === _______ | |
|--| Kitchen | | | | |A |
|F | | | | B | |__|
|--| | | |_______| ___ |
|G | | | | C | |
--------------| |- ------------------
______________| |_ __________________
|---| | | Living Room |
|---| === _______ |
|-A-| Hall === | C | __|
| | | |_______| |A |
| B| | |_B|
| C| |__ ______ |
|U D| | D| |___E__| |
--------------| |- ------------------
__________________ ______________| |_
| A | Garage | | A |
|___| === |
| __=== |
| |B | | |
| |_C| |0 |
| _______ | |0 |
| |D|E|F|G| | |0B Front Garden |
------------------ ------------------
BACK GARDEN
A) Barbeque - Potato and Charcoal
B) Table - Plonk (Cheap Wine), Burgers and Sausage
C) Nuts
D) Crisps
KITCHEN
A) Unit - Custard Powder, Coffee
B) Unit - Curry
C) Sink - Fairy Liquid and Soap Suds
D) Fridge - Ice and Lager
E) Unit - Sticky Tape and Pin
F) Washing Machine - Dirty Pants
G) Unit - Matches, Yoghurt, Coleslaw and Scissors
DINING ROOM
A) Shelves - Girlie Mag
B) Table - Nothing
C) Record Player - Party Tape, Classical Tape
HALL
A) Stairs to next floor
B) Coat - Pen
C) Coat - Cigarettes
D) Coat - Condom
U) Umbrella
LIVING ROOM
A) Drawers - Playing Cards
B) Drawers - Sicko Video
C) Table - Dirty Video
D) TV/Video - nothing
E) Sofa - "Bam Bee" Video
GARAGE
A) Fridge - Pizza and Chicken
B) Cupboard - Drill and Nails
C) Cupboard - Super Glue
D) Cupboard - Hammer and Chainsaw
E) Cupboard - Paint and Booze
F) Cupboard - Tyre, Bucket and Oil
G) Cupboard - Shears and Screw Driver
GARDEN (0 = Rubbish Bin)
A) Brick
B) Bin Bag
***************************** FIRST FLOOR *******************************
__________________
||B | |C | |D | |
| -- -- -- |
| |
| Bathroom |
| ______ |
|| A | |
||______| |
--------------| |-
__________________ ______________| |_ ___________________
| |__A____| | | | | Bedroom 1. | |
| === Landing | | |A |
| Spare Room __=== | | ______ | |
| B |E | | ____ === | E | |B |
| |F | |_____ | B | === |______| | |
| C |G | |-----| |_C__| | | |C |
| --| |--A--| | | | D|
------------------ --------| |------- -------------------
________| |_______
|Bedroom 2. |
| _____ |
||_____| |
| ___ ___ |
| |_A_| |_E_| |
| _____ ________|
||_____| |B | C |D|
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BATHROOM
A) Bath - Spider, Bath Plug
B) Toilet - Toilet Roll
C) Sink - Toothpaste, Toothbrush, Soap
D) Unit - Pills, Medicine, Laxative
LANDING
A) Stairs Down to Ground Floor
B) Blanket Box - Blanket
C) Blanket Box - Sheet
SPARE ROOM
A) Shelf - Sick Book, Dirty Mag, Comedy Book
B) Unit - Computer, Chemistry Set
C) Unit - Dog Poo, 3D Specks, Whoopee Cushion
D) Unit - Condom, Dart
BEDROOM 1.
A) Unit - Condom
B) Unit - Dress, Pillow Case
C) Unit - Make Up, Perfume
D) Unit - Tie, Trousers
E) Bed - Nothing
BEDROOM 2.
A) Table - Deodorant
B) Unit - Sneezing Powder
C) Unit - Itching powder
D) Unit - Furry Pet, Jacket
E) Table - Shirt
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***************************** 4) ITEMS *********************************
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I've split this into three sections. Key items are those items with extra
usefulness in being a Bastard. Edible Items lists those items, which are best
to eat, and those you should avoid. Finally there are ordinary times, those
which you can just smash or throw.
In the next update I plan to add every single item, with the various choices
and responses you get from the game. But for now these are the most important
items to look out for.
a) KEY ITEMS
MATCHES - It's a good idea to collect these first. As you search the house you
can set fire to whatever you have just searched which gets you plenty of points
and also clears the screen to stop you searching the same thing twice!
SUPER GLUE - If you collect this, you will get the option to glue up things
like the Stereo.
COMPUTER - You are given the option to "Reset" this. DON'T! It will reset your
game! Quite annoying when you are playing on WinVICE. Violence inducing on
the original after you spent twenty mins loading it. Smash it instead (hah!).
CONDOM - there are a lot of these scattered about which can be collected or
thrown. I am convinced that if you lurk in the bedrooms and ask the right
woman you might be able to get your leg over, but I haven't made it happen yet
:(
SHEET - if you collect this from the blanket box you will sometimes get the
option to do a ghost impression, which can clear a room and give you a big
Bastard bonus!
b) EDIBLE ITEMS
NUTS, CRISPS and BAKED POTATO - all safe to eat, but no effects.
YOGURT and COLESLAW - These will make you puke up and lose points so avoid
them.
CURRY - If you eat a bit of the curry you will be OK and it will simply raise
your Fartometer. But don't eat a lot of curry, it is likely this is a Vindaloo
(insanely hot Anglo-Indian concoction) and eating too much will make you
explode and it's Game Over!
LAGER and PLONK - staple of any party. Drink it to make yourself drunker.
Plonk is a sort of cheap, but potent wine.
COFFEE - don't drink this, it will sober you up and lose you points.
SMALL PET - can be consumed for a bastard bonus!
LAXATIVE, PILLS, MEDICINE - these will sober you up, reduce your Fartometer and
generally do you good. So don't eat them!
SOAP SUDS - most non-food items it is recommended you don't eat. But if you
eat the Suds you will make a mess and get points for that.
c) ORDINARY ITEMS
Most of the rest of the items can be thrown, crushed, smashed to gain points.
It is recommended that you don't break things like the SICK BOOK or GIRLIE MAG
and don't put on any of the clothing you find in the bedrooms.
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Special thanks go out to: BillyKane, Magus747, Pat Uhler, totalstuff and
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Ken Masters. For inspiration, encouragement, suggestions and being the people
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